Quiet Expectations and Dynamics in Marriage
With the institution of marriage, a feeling could creep in the background – in a very subtle way of “you owe me”! It is not an overt declaration as such, but just a silent expectation that seems to unfold with the signing of the commitment, of “I do”. A little like how children just expect to be ‘taken care of’.
Often this is not even conscious. If you yourself are married – have you even asked yourself this question – does your partner owe you? It could be valentines day – a gift is expected? It could be a birthday – a recognition required? It could be a bad day – you are owed love and understanding?
And as one partner demands/expects/begs for their expectations to be met, the other partner could have differing expectations but with the same approach of ‘you owe me’! Two opposing agendas unfold based on their individual outlook, conditioning and beliefs.
In my experience other not so pretty dynamics can also unfold in a marriage, based on who in the partnership feels more secure and who feels less so…especially when the “You owe me” idea has not been overcome. And without realizing ~ conflicts begin to arise purely on who appears to be ‘incharge’ in any given moment, and who feels slighted that their needs are not placed first.
The action of ‘marriage’ although is meant to be a promise of love and live ‘happily ever after’ – it can unfortunately thus lock people into obligations and expectations that do not get fulfilled – just because of the declaration that has been made to be ‘married’. … A friendship based in freedom and unconditional giving and sharing originally, can thus somehow shift adversely… so let’s’ explore more, how this plays out.
You owe me
Not knowing at a younger age, why I expected certain things to be happening for me, I saw many of these were based in ideals seen in romantic fairytales. I had begun to believe the ‘happily ever after’ story as if the other is meant to offer me my happiness. Wrong. I found myself caught in this “you owe me” attitude with my husband. I wanted flowers. I wanted deep conversations. I wanted surprises. I wanted what the fantasies say is possible. Instead I was receiving what he thought was the priority – lots of hard work and gruelling efforts to complete chores, and that is what he thought I owed him back too! Our inner truths differed so much.
It took a while for me to grasp, that no-one owes me anything. I had to first notice I had needs and then see they were coming from my mind expectations – offer me love through a walk together my mind would easily say – failing to see the obvious that I could take myself for a walk! LOL. A lot of disentanglement had to happen for me to not impose my needs on him, but as the needs were arising and being left unfulfilled – a deeper unhappiness from within began to surface.
Without that unhappiness I would have not seen the next. I saw, I am terribly afraid to be alone, and the antidote conclusion in my head had always appeared to be married life. To share my time with someone helped me to disguise this fear to be alone. Of course a companion does not resolve this feeling – because no-one else resides in your head and inside your skin – only you do! We all must grow up and enjoy our own company.
It took self-awareness and growth in consciousness to come to these newer insights…that essentially we can either grow and rise through our challenges/ego-clashes and ideals of ‘you owe me’ or we can stubbornly perpetuate patterns that are destructive and dysfunctional, and remain bitter because the ‘you owe me understanding’ still runs our inner dialogue.
I am assuming for each person who comes out of a marriage – some component of “you owe me” did not work out for them. Maybe it is, you owe me ‘attentiveness’, you owe me ‘respect’, you owe me ‘honesty’, you owe me ‘responsibility’, you owe me ‘faithfulness’, you owe me ‘kindness’…. whatever the ‘you owe me’ is, that has not been delivered, and forgiveness and/or compromise thus was no longer possible.
Then one realizes “I owe me peace”, and when this takes an upper hand, it settles the actions that must be taken to disentangle from the institution of marriage … We are back into – my happiness comes from within!
Weak/Strong
When you have your own mind and strong opinions, those people can seem from the perspective of a weaker person, to be controlling….This can be troublesome in a marriage, especially if that person is perceived as righteous.
A human being who reacts in a kind of ugly way, has so many things happening in them. It could be jealousy, that you’re stronger, that you’re smarter…because, obviously, if they felt secure inside themselves, jealousy will not be there. So marriages are a great place to mine out these hidden traits inside us.
Weak people can never be kind, because they’re like beggars. They need that love and approval, and anybody who needs approval is such a weight, as they use manipulation and all sorts to get their way. I know I have played my own dance of weakness in various ways, to understand this very well about myself and all human beings. Of course when you see this about yourself, you can rise beyond too.
In contrast, in differing areas, I was seen as the strong one – the one who was ‘in charge’. So one human being can be both – weak and strong at differing times and over differing topics. On balance though a stronger person tends to be the one who is more visionary and the one who leads the problem solving.
So weak/strong dynamics inevitabley can come into play in a marriage. A stronger person, who is more aware, who knows what he/she is doing, and is kinder, because only strong people can be kind, has more wisdom in them, and they also have the understanding that allows them to compromise to a degree – that I understand you, I can compromise on certain things, but we each are individuals, which must be respected.
Emergence of The New Way Forward
Most of the world has clashes in relationships. Purity of love is unique and somewhat rare, but what is not understood is that under all the clashes lurks fear. As that fear is transformed and transcended – unity easily follows.
So the more you become conscious, the more you start understanding your motives, the more you start understanding how the ego works inside yourself and others, the more you will become that wise, loving, compassionate person who is not going to impose anything on anyone else. No ‘you owe me’. Just the joy of spending time together then remains.
And such a person can surrender when they need to. They can stand up for themself when they need to. And there’s no problem inside. There’s no conflict.
Married or not married, to make life ‘happily ever after’, an individual journey of growth in consciousness is required, recognizing that although marriage appears to offer some type of a “security”, security in life ironically has no ‘forever’ in it.
It all gets taken away anyways, one way or another, either at death or before. So with this, we may as well find ‘happily ever after’ within, and find our inner peace.
